Living Two Lives

Living two lives….

After that first encounter with Bryan we could not wait to see each other again. We continued to chat online and even exchanged phone numbers so we could talk to each other. It was still hard for us to find opportunities to be with each other so we took every chance we could get. Just a couple of the crazy things we did:

• We met in a parking deck near my office and sucked each other off
• I met him behind an empty office building and we stood outside in the open while I sucked him off. When he came I could not take all his load and he dropped some on his work boots, only to discover it later when he got home and his wife asked what it was
• On the rare occasion that we both had extra cash we could meet up in a cheap hotel and actually spend a few hours with each other. These were the times we looked forward to when we could hold each other and enjoy being together rather than just having sex to relieve the urge
• On several occasions we met up at his office/workshop. He was partners in a construction firm and had a waiting area in front of their work building. When his partner and crews were gone the place was empty. He would put the closed sign out and place a partition in front of the entrance. At first I was really nervous about playing around in such an open public place but eventually the need to be with him won out. We started with just oral and taking care of each other. That led us to want more and we started fucking using the office chairs. Then he brought in an ottoman from his house. It wasn’t enough for us both to lay down but it gave us some interesting options. I can still remember the day that we were playing and I was laying on the ottoman with my legs up in the air and his dick sliding in and out of me. He liked to take his time when he fucked me, giving us both the most pleasure as he massaged my prostate with his dick. I saw a reflection on the roof and thought, 'That's odd'. I turned my head to look at the door (we had forgotten to over the front glass door) and see three guys in a pickup watching us fuck. When they realized I was looking back at them, they quickly put the truck in reverse and pulled away. Bryan and I both laughed about it and kept on fucking til we both shot our load. We did agree to be more careful after that
• Once when he was working on a construction site doing finishing work, I stopped by on my way from work. He showed me around the building and then we went to the area they were still working on. Before I even realized it, I was on my knees in front of him unzipping his pants and pulling out his cock so I could suck him.

Over the course of the two years that spent together what started as just sex became something very different. We tried to spend as much time together as possible. We joined a gym together so we could see each other every morning before we went to work. We would text and talk with each other at every opportunity during the day. I can still remember the day when we were leaving the gym and saying our goodbyes at the car. My feelings had been changing for some time but I had been rejecting what I was feeling. Finally though I looked him in the eye and said I LOVE YOU! He looked back with a smile on his face and tears in his eyes and said I know, I love you too. It was at this point that I knew this was something different. It wasn't just sex any more, now it was real. This forbidden love that neither of us expected but it was overwhelming both of us.

It was not long after this that his wife confronted him and asked who I was. She had followed him to the gym and waited to see who he came out with. When we said our goodbyes he leaned over and kissed me on the mouth. She waited until later than day to confront him and that is when it all started falling apart for us. He was actually relieved that she finally knew. He was tired of living the lie of a straight life when what he really wanted was me. He told this over and over and it just made her that much angrier. Somehow through all of her anger he was able to protect me. He kept her from outing me to my wife but at great financial cost to him. She took him for everything, the house, their savings, their retirement, everything. She demanded that he not see me while they were "working it out". We could not see each other for almost six month. Before it was finally over she made an ultimatum, she wanted to talk to me. I don't know if I have ever been more scared. When she called my heart was beating so fast it felt like it was skipping. She was actually civil to me, all things considered. She was still angry at me for breaking up her marriage but she realized that I was not the only cause for their divorce. I asked her not to out me to my wife and she said she had not made up her mind about that. Obviously that scared me shitless.

When the divorce was final we thought things would be easier for us. They did get easier for Bryan but this is where it got hard for me. With his divorce came the freedom to explore all the things that had been forbidden up to this point. He wanted to go out to the bars and experience what it was like to be with other gay men. He wanted me to join him on his adventures which I was not ready to do. Each time we were together the conversation would inevitably turn to when I was going to leave my wife and join him. He was enjoying being a gay man and he wanted someone to share that experience with him. We discussed it for several months and I could never really get any real sense of peace about what I was supposed to do. I had invested a lot into my marriage, my wife, our children and our life together. I just wasn't sure that I was ready to give all that up. At the same time, I knew that I loved this man with all my heart. I wanted to be with him all the time. When we were apart I could not wait to be with him again. The thought of not being with him made my heart ache.

I agonized over what I should do and how my choice would affect the lives of those around me. I was about ready to make the choice to leave my wife and start a life with Bryan when he met Mark. Mark was married like me but living in a bad marriage to a woman he did not like. He was waiting for the right moment to end his marriage and he found a kindred spirit in Bryan. Talking with Bryan had given him courage that he had never had before. They became fast friends and soon after that lovers.

Bryan did not hide any of this from me and we were still playing around. It was after one of our early morning meetings that I realized it was time to let him go. He was laying beside me, naked and covered in sweat from the workout he had just given me as we made love. I told him that I knew I was not going to be able to make the decision to leave my wife and my life and that I thought it would be better for both of us if I let him pursue his relationship with Mark. Even as I was saying it, my heart was breaking. I loved this man. I loved the sight of him, being with him, our friendship and I especially loved when we had sex. But I could not keep holding him back. With tears in my eyes I left him that day knowing that I had mortally wounded both of us.

The next few months were a living hell for me. I became so depressed that I thought I would die or worse yet kill myself. I tried not to think about him and the life that would have had together, only to find myself in tears because I missed him so badly. Of course, my home life was terrible during this time. I was anxious and grouchy all the time. My wife and kids always asking, 'what's wrong?', 'why are you so sad?'.

I probably should have gone to a therapist to talk all of that out but I never did. I finally was able to pull my life back together. But ever so often I think about him and what my life might have been. How different it would be now if I was living with him as a gay man, out to my family and friends. Would I be happier? I don't think I will ever know.